But some positive messages are not as effective as others. Being able to translate your positive feelings to your teenager in a manner that will make a lasting difference isn’t always as obvious as you might think.
The previous post examined the issue of praising teenagers and why it is often not the most helpful practice. If you haven’t read it, I recommend taking a couple of minutes to look it over (here). For those who need a quick summary;
- Praise puffs up in the short term, but does little to build up over time
- Praise focuses on rewarding ability or performance
- Praise teaches young people they are valued for their achievements or talents
- Praise encourages competition rather than participation
- Praise can generate anxiety and insecurity
If praise doesn’t work, what is the best way to affirm teenagers?
The answer is simple. Encouragement.
Encouragement
Isn’t encouragement just another word for praise? Unfortunately many parents think the words are interchangeable and believe they are encouraging their teen by given them praise. This is unfortunate because in many cases praise will have a discouraging impact on a young person.
Praise and encouragement are fundamentally different.
- Praise is a reward, encouragement is a gift
- Praise focuses on results, encouragement focuses on effort & growth
- Praise is often general, encouragement is about specifics
- Praise implies judgment, encouragement is about acknowledgement
- Praise conveys temporary approval, encouragement conveys ongoing acceptance
- Praise focuses on feeling good, encouragement focuses on building competence
- Praise emphasises pleasing others, encouragement enhances self-motivation
- Praise is about competition, encouragement is about co-operation
How To Encourage
In essence, encouragement is about you acknowledging the effort, growth, character, co-operation or feelings of your teenager. When you encourage, the affirmation is orientated towards your teenager as opposed to being about your feelings or comparisons to others. More specifically is often about character and who your teenager is rather than about performance and what your teenager achieves.
Encouragement can be in response to a special event but it can also be offered in the course of everyday life. Because encouragement comes from your desire toacknowledge who your teens is it can be done whenever you observe something positive about your teenager, you don’t have to wait for them to earn it.
This is not the same as randomly telling your teen how “clever” or “beautiful” they are. Encouragement needs to be linked to an observed act or demonstrated capacity. General “nice” words will merely puff up rather than build up.
Lets explore some effective forms of encouragement.
